[Ted] And so, due to one architectural oversight...
the Toledo bridge disaster of 1906 claimed the lives of 75 people.
Now, I hate to stop while I'm on a roll...
but happy Halloween, ya crazies!
[Laughing, Whooping]
Hey, Professor "Bros-by"...
you gonna come get beers with us later?
Nah, I got a thing.
But you kids have fun trick-or-treating.
This is our treat. You're the coolest, Professor Mosby.
- Well, hot dog. - [Students Laugh]
- [Lily] Did it hurt? - [Ted] What?
Getting that kid's nose surgically removed from your ass.
It's not her nose that's in my ass, Lily.
It's her heart.
My class loves me. I am really makin' an impression on those guys.
I'd like to make an impression on those guys.
And I love the office Halloween party.
It is so much sluttier than the office Christmas party.
Though, not as freaky...
as the office President's Day rave.
Or the office Tu B'shvat pajama jammy-jam.
Hey, guys. Hey, boss.
Hey, Randy. Uh, you want a beer?
Oh, no, thank you. I brew my own.
At the risk of bragging, my hazelnut pilsner won fourth prize...
at the Weehawken Retirement Home Clambake...
and Wheelchair Maintenance Picnic.
I wouldn't consider any part of that bragging.
Hey, uh, it just occurred to me.
Is your friend... What's her name? Gobin, Flabin?
- Robin? - Robin. That's it, yeah.
Is she comin' tonight? Not that I really care.
- Robin has another party to go to. - Oh, damn it! I'm leaving!
Oh, wait. But she might stop by later.
Guess I can hang out a little longer.
So, anyone going to see the, uh, Halloween parade?
[Ted Narrating] We were big fans of New York's annual Halloween Parade.
I don't mean the one that takes place Halloween night in the Village.
I mean the one that takes place the morning of November 1...
the Annual Post-Halloween Walk Of Shame Parade.
Look at 'em.
Headin' home after their dirty, filthy hookups.
- Ooh. Looks like that bee got busy. - Ha.
Looks like that French maid didn't turn down somebody's bed.
Uh-oh, looks like Pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees.
- Come on, Marshall. - There's a line.
- No, it's because that girl... - We get it.
Does it get any better than this?
Uh, yes. Yes, it does.
[Groans] Crap.
##[Upbeat Pop]
##[Man Vocalizing]
##[Ends]
There she is...
Florence "Night In Bed With A Stranger."
- So who's the lucky patient? - I don't wanna talk about it.
Please tell me you're not hooking up with one of your co-anchors again.
- My co-anchor's a woman. - Tell me you are hooking up with one of your co-anchors.
[Ted Narrating] Robin had always believed...
that the key to success...
was intelligence, hard work and professionalism.
Her new co-anchor, Becky, had a different philosophy.
Boats! Boats! Boats!
[Announcer] It's the Farhampton Boat Show...
Boats! Boats! Boatsl
November 5, 6, 7 at the Farhampton Civic Center.
B-B-Boats!
Come on downl
[Electronic Effect] B-B-B-Boats!
- You did a commercial? - Why not?
You're a journalist. Don't you want to be taken seriously?
No. I'm cute.
Okay, if you really think...
this is going to help your image...
Hi, Becky. Boats, boats, boats.
Robin, little help here.
- Aw. - Oh, Robin.
You gotta not worry so much about being liked.
Oh, easy for you to say. Everybody loves you at your job.
- Mmm. That's true. - [Ted Narrating] That was true of my teaching job...
but I was also designing the new headquarters...
for Goliath National Bank, and, well...
Ted Mosby, we don't like you!
What do you have to say for yourself...
tearing down a beautiful old building...
just to put up a stupid bank headquarters?
Hmm.
Boo-freakin'-hoo.
- Boo-freakin'-hoo? That's it? - Yeah.
- The Arcadian is an architecturally significant... - Architecturally significant?
Zoey, you're very pretty. Your hair smells great.
Shampoo. You should try it sometime.
You don't know the first thing about architecture.
Key Ted Mosby's car.
Go on.
I'm a professor. Okay?
I teach this stuff at one of the best colleges in the country.
I don't go down to your place of non-employment...
and lecture you about how your little protest...
is a misguided waste of time.
Except, whoops... I just did. Ha! Burn.
- Oh, good, the eggs are here. - Well, I should head up.
[Ted Narrating] No, GNB was not popular.
That's why every year they produced a feel-good video to improve the bank's image.
[Male Announcer] What makes Goliath National Bank different from other big banks?
Here at GNB, we care.
I care about our precious earth.
I care about old people.
I care about high-yield off-shore investments...
and so does Tugboat here.
Isn't that right, Tugboat? Yeah.
Okay, get that camera outta my face...
before I flip you like a cheese omelet.
All you have to do is say "I care about making dreams come true."
First of all, that line makes me sound like a hooker...
and saying it makes me feel like a hooker.
Everyone is in this video. Randy's in the video.
I don't want to brag, but in 29 takes...
I only threw up thrice.
Great.
Randy, did you send the Hermanson contracts downtown?
[Chuckling] I did. I sent them downtown.
Why are you sayin' it like that? They never arrived at the downtown office.
They...
Just to make sure we're on the same page...
is "send them downtown" not an expression for shredding a document?
- You shredded them? - [Stammering] I sent them downtown.
You know, down into the shredder.
You-You feed the paper in a downwards fashion...
so that's where the expression comes from.
That's not an expression! That has never been an expression!
Okay, I can fix this. I am all over this project.
I'll say this. There is no quit in that guy.
You should fire him.
Okay, that... That right there...
That attitude is exactly why I won't be in your video...
because GNB doesn't care.
They hand out pink slips like they're hors d'oeuvres.
Just last week, I was talking to Arthur.
Whoa, whoa. You're wearin' a green tie. No.
- I'm wearin' a green tie. - [Bell Dings]
GNB treats their people like they're disposable...
and I will not be a part of that.
Marshall Eriksen does not fire people, period.
Uh, just want you to know, we are making good progress on this new project.
- [Phone Rings] - You gentlemen keep talking.
I will answer that.
Marshall Eriksen's office.
Yeah, I can get that for you. Just a second.
Uh, "bank." The "B" stands for bank.
Okay, Mother, I'll see you tonight.
Oh, yikes. I better get Mr. Messy a napkin.
[Objects Clattering]
Period!
Just tell me who you slept with.
Lily, I don't want to get into it, okay?
Aha! It's someone we know.
If it was some ding-dong we didn't know, you'd just give me his name.
Fine. It's Bill Pepper.
- Bill Pepper? - Mm-hmm.
Kind of a coincidence there happens to be...
a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table.
[Gasps] Any chance you and Bill had a three-way with Fork Napkin?
- Oh, come on! - It's someone we know!
So, I'm assuming you all read the chapters on Greek Revival architecture.
- Any questions? - Yes. How do you sleep at night?
What are you doing here?
It was recently made clear to me...
that I don't know the first thing about architecture...
so here I am.
Very well then. Let's get started.
[Clears Throat] Some examples of Greek Revival architecture...
Ooh! Ooh! Is the Arcadian Greek Revival?
No.
What's the Arcadian?
Oh, it's just this beautiful old building...
that Professor Mosby wants to tear down.
What? No. Professor Mosby loves old buildings.
He wouldn't do that. Right, Ted?
Getting back to Greek Revival...
- I lost 'em. - Look, you're new at teaching.
In my kindergarten class, I have had plenty of troublesome students...
like Johnny Marley.
- [Boy Shouting] - [Children Laughing]
Johnny! Johnny!
He and that little stuffed horsey raised all kinds of hell.
But I have a simple method for shuttin' down troublemakers.
You know that '98 Taurus that's always parked outside?
The one with the really annoying alarm?
[Together, High Voices] Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
[Low Voices] Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
Ooh-wee! Ooh-wee! Ooh-wee!
Whoo-oop! Whoo-oop!
Ehh-ehh! Ehh-ehh!
We're familiar with it.
Well, when a kid like Johnny acts up in my class...
- [Johnny Shouting] - [Children Laughing]
Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh!
Whoo-oop! Whoo-oop! Whoo-oop!
Ehh-ehh! Ehh-ehh! Ehh!
Shuts 'em right up.
Lily, my students are adults, and I treat them that way.
I'll just give them more candy and make them a mix CD. Problem solved.
Oh, baby, what's wrong?
Something bad happened.
- [Knocking] - Randy, hey. Have you seen...
Before you get to that, regarding the earlier project I was working on...
Voilą.
- That's the Hermanson contract? - The Hermanson contract?
Aw, man, this is the Filbert contract.
- Damn it! - No...
Anyway, what's your thing?
I need the Filbert contract!
No!
Well, I'll do what I can...
but in my experience, twice shredded is fairly permanent.
I'm sorry, Randy...
but this just isn't working out.
Marshall popped his cherry!
- [Cork Pops] - Oh!
Come on, Marshall. You have to admit, the guy was a disaster.
I mean, it reflected badly on the company.
He was an embarrassment, a huge embarrassment.
- You slept with Randy! - [Gasps]
- What? - Why it's elementary, my dear "Scherbatson."
Your co-host is getting super popular...
because of her stupid commercial...
Boats! Boats! Boats!
so when you arrived at the GNB party after we left...
you were feeling vulnerable... and drunk.
Then, from across the not-so-crowded conference room...
your eyes met.
And as we all remember...
Randy has a unique condition.
Yeah, your nose is bleeding like a faucet.
Oh, God. This happens every time I get an erection.
I am so sorry.
That's...
exactly what happened.
See, Marshall?
If getting fired is an execution, at least the guy had a last meal.
- Oh, my God. - I promise you, tomorrow you'll feel a lot better.
Randy. Hey, what's goin' on?
I just wanted to say no hard feelings.
[Sighs] Thank you.
So where are you headed now?
Downtown.
[Whirring]
No!
- [Gasps] - It's okay, baby.
[Ted Narrating] It wasn't okay, so the next morning...
Arthur, I'm here because I made a mistake.
- I fired Randy yesterday. - That was a mistake.
You should have fired him a year ago.
No. Sir, that is what's wrong with this company.
How can we say GNB cares...
and then turn around and treat someone like that?
I mean, sure, he made a few mistakes, but everybody makes mistakes.
Like-Like, Tugboat here. Awww.
I bet you he's made some mistakes...
and you didn't fire Tugboat, did you?
No, I got him fixed, and he calmed down.
Exactly. Kind of.
Randy doesn't need to be fired. He needs to be fixed.
Marshall, we do some pretty bad things around here, but I don't...
No, sir. I'm saying instead of getting rid of someone when they screw up...
we should... we should help them.
We should nurture them. Hmm?
I changed the ice pack on his crotch every hour for three days.
Wow. Eriksen, if you want to un-fire Randy, I support you.
Because to come in here and say what you just said...
well, you... you got a couple things that Tugboat doesn't.
[Students Shouting]
Guys, Prof Rock is a really good mix, okay?
A piece of New York history is being torn down...
- and all you could say was "boo-freakin'-hoo"? - Boo-f...
I may have mentioned our conversation over a session of hacky sack.
The one day I miss the sack circle, you guys sub her in?
Why'd you miss? Too busy tearing down the Statue of Liberty?
No. I was returning a hot dog costume that you all enjoyed.
[Shouting]
[Ted Narrating] They were all turning against me...
so I figured, what the hell.
[High Voice] Woo-woo! Woo-woo! Woo-woo! Woo-woo!
[Low Voice] Woo-woo-woo!
Woo-wooo! Woo-wooo! Woo-wooo!
Whoo-oop! Whoo-oop!
And... did it work?
Gangbusters. We're buddies again.
After class, we hacked a little sack to the thumpin' strains of my Prof Rock CD.
And, no, none of them had heard the Pixies' B-side.
Actually, none of them had heard of the Pixies... or a B-side.
- Hey, guys. - Uh-oh.
I know that smile.
Lily, there's no easy way to say this. Marshall's dead.
Randy murdered him.
No. I know why Randy is smiling.
You're smiling because of Robin.
Robin? Like, how I think about her when I'm in the shower?
I'm tryin' to eat here, buddy.
No. Because you slept with her on Halloween.
What? No.
I went home, had a shower and went to bed.
- You didn't sleep with her? - No.
Even in the shower, the farthest we ever get is hugging.
So why are you smiling?
I'll tell you why.
This just isn't working out.
[Thinking] I'm fired. Great.
This is the Candle Kiosk at the mall all over again.
Wait a minute.
I get a severance check.
If I don't shred it, I could use that money to start my own brewery.
Imagine a beer with my name on it.
Randy Wharmpess, this is the best day of your life.
Thanks to that severance check...
this time next year, you'll all be enjoying a frothy mug of Wharmpess.
Randy, great news.
You're not fired.
No!
Good morning, everybody.
Where's my class?
[Crowd Booing]
Hello, Professor.
Ha! Burn.
I got you your job back, Randy.
- I thought that you'd be happy. - But I don't belong here.
I'm born to be a brewer, a hops meisterl
Well, then quit. No one's stoppin' you.
I can't. I need my severance check.
- Well, I'm sorry, Randy, but that's called fraud. - It's not fraud.
I'm just asking you to give me a lot of money to not work here...
and not tell anyone about it.
Even if I wanted to fire you, after my talk with Arthur...
Oh, come on. Arthur can't remember that.
Marshall, what a memorable talk we had yesterday.
Randy, on behalf of everyone at GNB...
both in and out of prison, we're sorry.
And I want to assure you, you'll never be fired again.
You're gonna work here until you die. Huh? Huh?
Uh... Green tie? [Clears Throat]
- Uh, nice choice. - Thanks. Brings out my eyes.
Yeah. I'll bring out your eyes.
Listen, Randy, I'm sorry...
but I broke my own moral code once, and I felt evil.
I will not let GNB change me.
I will never fire anyone again, ever!
[Chuckling] Oh, we'll see about that.
##[Chorus Vocalizing, Sinister]
Anyhoo, while I got ya, big smile.
"We care about making dreams come true." In three, two...
No!
- What are you doing? - Oh, are you unhappy with my performance?
I guess I'm fired then. I better turn in my I.D.
You know, it's actually, um...
nice having some of this clutter off my desk...
so thank you, Randy.
Yeah, there's more.
I don't know what I'm gonna use this for, but it's great!
Now am I fired?
I've been meaning to clean out that file cabinet for ages.
I'm not even here. [Whispering] Randy, the coffee.
Oh! Okay. Okay.
Thank you, Randy.
I've been meaning to cut back on my caffeine.
Here, try this. Now really go for it.
Remember, this guy ruined your life.
That's just the pick-me-up I needed.
Speaking of pickups, can we try the first one again?
- [Cell Phone Rings] - [Beeps]
- Hello? - It didn't work.
They hate me. How do I get them to like me again?
You don't. Ted, you're their teacher.
- The only people that like their teachers... - I liked my teachers.
are dorks.
Except for you, Miles.
Look, Ted, you just have to learn to embrace their hatred...
because behind that hatred lies fear.
And you can use that fear...
like I did with Johnny Marley.
- Was there more to that story? - Little bit.
[Screams]
[Scream Echoing]
Lily, you're a psychopath.
Little bit.
Aw, a panda.
[Ted Narrating] I thought about Lily's advice...
and I figured fear was worth a try.
Well, Professor Mosby, is there anything you want to say to us?
Anyone not in class tomorrow gets an "F."
You said that?
Well, technically, they'd get an incomplete...
but I thought "F" had a nice scary ring to it, right?
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
- Robin, who'd you sleep with? - I told you. Randy.
He was... a machine.
Mm-hmm. Where's the poop, Robin?
[Sighs] Fine. I didn't sleep with anyone.
The thing is, ever since Becky did that commercial, everyone at work loves her.
So the day after Halloween, I was in a commercial.
What? Why didn't you tell us?
[Male Announcer] Bladder trouble...
it's embarrassing, it's uncomfortable, and it can affect anyone.
I'm going to the bathroom right now.
Neat & Discreet Adult Diapers...
for anyone.
Say...
"Ahh."
[Bell Tinkles]
- [Laughing] - [Laughing] Wow.
I can't wait to see it.
Hopefully you never will. They said that they might not even use it.
[Ted Narrating] It ran for seven years.
[Chattering]
Okay, you win.
Maybe trashin' your office was a mistake.
It's just, uh...
as long as I can remember, making beer has been my dream.
Wharmpess?
I know it sounds dumb to someone who's already achieved his dream...
big-time lawyer at a huge corporation.
You think working here is my dream?
Of course.
Anyways, I'll clean this stuff up...
have someone get that dead squirrel out of your desk.
Randy?
This is delicious.
You're fired.
[Ted Narrating] Kids, the next morning...
my class had the highest attendance ever.
And not long after that...
Randy used his severance money to start a little brewery.
Now you can have a Wharmpess at every bar in America.
And all because...
I care about making dreams come true.
Got what you need?
[Barney] Yep. That's a wrap.
English - US - SDH